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Introduction: The new rules of kink

鈥淲omen lead such busy lives that it feels good to relinquish control, and it allows them to have guilt-free uninhibited sex.” Even so, we live in a society that prefers not to talk openly about sex and there’s still a jump between your girlfriend’s titillating read and her wishing to enter a world of whips, chains and 鈥 can this be right? 鈥 nipple clamps. Which is why Men鈥檚 Health sought the advice of experts in the kinkier corners of sexuality so that you know how far to push it. Safe words at the ready.

Start by talking dirty
鈥淎sk your partner if there was anything in Fifty Shades she’d like to try,鈥 says Franklin Veaux of BDSM site xeromag.com. Or test the water by asking her to act passive during regular sex. If she is happy to submit, then you can experiment further.

Open the toy box
Rather than turn up with nipple clamps, encourage her to visit lovehoney.co.uk, says Magnanti. “Women prefer to start their foray into kink by shopping online because they can do so at their own pace.”

Set the scene
Play her the Fifty Shades soundtrack. “Part of the lead character鈥檚 allure in Fifty Shades is that he鈥檚 interested in the whole sensory experience of seduction,” says psychiatrist Dr Stephen Snyder.

Log on for inspiration
Watch porn together to explore BDSM. Don’t be afraid to ask: even Netmums.com found that 76% of its users log on with their partners. “The Journal of Sexual Research showed that women visualise themselves in the situation when they see porn,” says Magnanti. “Look for female-friendly porn like Pink & White productions, Kink.com and anything by the producer Anna Span.鈥

Test her limits
A Kinsey Institute study found that 55% of women want to be bitten during sex, so give her neck a light nip. “If she moans, tell her that she is 鈥榖ad鈥 and gently tap her bum,” says Kerner. “Scientists at the Novosibirsk Institute of Medicine found this encourages more blood to flow to the genital area for a stronger orgasm.鈥濃

Establish safe words
This is critical before anyone’s wrists are tied. “The word should be something you wouldn鈥檛 normally say,鈥 says dominatrix Mistress Absolute. Alternatively, use red, amber and green. It gives you the gradation required to take things up or down a notch, rather than simply halting proceedings.

Take control鈥
The onus is on you: a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that only 11% of women prefer to take control during sex games. 鈥淗old her wrists and pin her down as you kiss,鈥 says Kerner. 鈥淭hen use your knee to part her legs. This is a very sexually dominant gesture that clearly shows her you are in charge.” It’s also the natural precursor to using restraints…

Learn the ropes
“Be careful what you tie her up with,” says Emily Dubberley, author of Friendly Fetish. “Tights seem like a good idea but the material tightens and thins. Instead, use fetish tape, velcro cuffs, ribbon ties or a tie.鈥 Start by tying her hands above her head, so that she can see what you鈥檙e doing. Later, when you鈥檙e both more confident, tie her ankles together to restrain her entire lower body.

Master her mind
During sex, issue simple commands such as telling her how to lie. She wants to obey. “The submissive partner gives away their control in exchange for not having to worry about your pleasure,” says Mistress Absolute.

Change your name
“Create an emotional distance between sex and reality by using your last names (Mr Grey, Ms Steele, etc),” says Snyder. This lets you test the limits without affecting your relationship outside of role play situations.

Make demands
To take things on a degree, issue demands outside the comfort of the bedroom, says Veaux. At first, try this in other rooms in your home. “A simple ‘go into the bedroom and wait for me’, said with confidence, is a lot sexier than the most elaborate scenario spoken with hesitation,” he says.

The rear approach鈥
Build up to anything related to anal slowly. “Test the waters by gently rubbing the top of her bum cleavage,” says Dubberley. “If she’s 鈥榖ucking’ her behind towards your finger, you can venture carefully downwards, starting with one finger. The golden rule: use a lot of lubricant.”

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